October 9, 2023

Precious precious precious angel girl- the hurt in my heart is SO DEEP being so far away. Sometimes I'm fakin my smile when I think of you so far away and THE REAL DANGERS YOU FACE- Went to tithing settlement yesterday and the Bishop asked about you-and we gave the report but the words kind of jumped out of my mouth that sometimes I'm just not okay with it all. Please know that we are hurtin' here without you. I still sleep in your bed. Life continues on here in it's glorious breathless pace like a sacred circus of events that can't be stopped. the little boys going out to pick apples from the weird bad hair tree in the backyard that sits on the ground, Marcus dragging around the second little baby bike with Elmo and the Koala and the Leo Dog packed in thinking it's so funny-Seth trying on his tie late last night for homecoming and pulling up the picture of her dress to see if it matches, Grandma Jan spending hours making a soup because she can't stand for the potatoes to waste, Griffin saying "no, no, no" to 12 songs in a row when we were trying to sing him to sleep until Lydia got to the one he liked, Kaden and Maddie Evans being sealed in the temple and Kaela crying through the entire thing because it was so beautiful, Mckay's straightened hair, compost runs and pears fallin from the sky, Coy having a fun break from law school and spending nearly the entire week catching up but having them come sleep over and he spent a few minutes sorting magic cards and looked like my little boy again even though he's in the second year of law school, Sadie Rose in her vintage dress staring at the entire audience with huge eyes, Marcus making Sadie laugh while he's swinging towards her, Sam choreographing for a bunch of kids and everyone having so much fun doing disco moves, taking Grandma Raspberry to Walker Farms to Kaden Evans reception and she and your Dad crying together to be standing on Grandpa Walker's property, bottled fruit in every corner waiting to be taken downstairs, Mckay taking a Sunday nap on the couch, the feeling of home, Sam sleeping over and watching his first movie since the mission, a big hard rock job well done in West Jordan, FINDING OUT THAT RISSA ALSO HAS THE HEART DISEASE, she is concerned about reassignment- Hyrum, Isaac and Rissa and Derek and Angie all have it, totally judging a lady I delivered to as being high maintenance and finding out I was dead wrong and the house was actually her Dad's house and she was helping him clean up after a flood, tithing settlement and the bishop wanting to know everything about you, the primary kids singing and doing sign language to Gethsemane and the Bishop crying, late night whispered prayers for you in your bed while not even knowing what to pray for and just praying for whatever you need, having so many of my kids bear testimony which is so sacred to me I can't even speak, the house full yesterday watching Jeni and Smitty's wedding video for their 7th anniversary and eating her healthy chocolate cake, homegrown tomato sandwiches, a sourdough class from Caralee and some tears because sometimes I just want to be a mom and queen of the home and I find so little time to do those things, Marcus riding his first horse, crying through the week on poverty in my social work class, m and m's hiding in the playroom, sharing tears with Natalie Ayre, Lydia sharing that how she feels the spirit is listening to a conference talk with Griffin as they eat breakfast, the sweetest Bryce in 10 years boy coming to join our theater team and having such an incredible night watching my team treat him like gold, crying, wishing I could pay back all the blessings but still eating m and m's and leaving the dishes in the sink sometimes, looking in Grandma Jan's eyes and knowing I could not live without her and someday I will have to, trying to give my sins to Jesus becuase he already paid for them and he's willing to take them, barn lust, realizing that so often Jesus and Heavenly Father are the only one that care to the details of the details of the details, ...sacred circus, precious pageant of humanity. I wanted to bear my testimony too but it was too much. I wanted to talk about the same thing-the suffering is the sacred, the lows are the highs, the gift is the experience